Walking Beside Us

Change. Trust. Patience.

As we work with my oldest son to transition into the next phase of his life (graduation and college) I remember having similar feelings of uncertainty. I vividly remember wanting to achieve my dreams, but being terrified of taking the next step into the unknown. I had so many doubts, so many questions.

This child is an exact replica of me. My strengths are his strengths. His thinking process is my thinking process. His fears are my fears. It is strange looking at it from this perspective. I see him as he truly is. Confident. Strong. Courageous. Focused. Capable of achieving every goal he could ever have.

He isn't quite as confident in himself for the first time. I see his potential. I see who he can become. I see the struggle and fear and uncertainty and there is very little that I can do to eliminate that. I can be here to support him. I can show him the way. I can hold his hand. But he has to take the first step.

I think that little moments like this give us a teeny little glimpse into how our Father in Heaven feels toward us. He sees our full potential. He knows we are capable of accomplishing all of our goals. He has shown us the way, and will walk beside us - but we have to take that first step.

What a blessing it is to be a mother. To be gifted with the ability to lead and guide these spiritual beings throughout their lives. To be able to lift them up when they need it. To be the sounding board - or punching bag - when their lives become overwhelming.

How many times have we asked "God - Where were you?"when times were tough. When we thought we were alone and abandoned.

I realize that I am doing all that I can to help my son move ahead, but he doesn't always see that. He doesn't always look at my efforts with gratefulness. Sometimes this shocks me. I am doing every single thing that I can to support you and you don't even see that?

I think in those moments, when we ask "God - Where are you?" We need to understand that He IS there. He always will be. But in that moment, we just can not, or will not, recognize that.

After a hot shower, my beautiful young man, who is feeling lost in his changing world, comes to us and with a big hug apologizes. He now sees. We ARE on the same team. We will advocate for him until our last breath and then some. We would give all that we are and all that we have for his happiness.

Heavenly Father is there for us in that very same way. Always supporting, always teaching. Sometimes, we just can't see it. But that's ok. He still loves us anyway. He still helps us. He still supports us. He will never fail us.

And I will forever be there for my son. For all time and all eternity. Regardless. It's my job. I'm the mom.

Finding My Voice

It's time. Time for me to find my new place in this changing world of mine. I don't write, because I feel like I have lost my voice, or lost my place. It's hard to say.

Transitioning back was rough, but I think a big part of that difficulty stemmed from the change in my family.

You see, when we first moved to Chile, my boys were getting ready to start their Junior and Freshman years in High School. A time when a teenager naturally, and appropriately begins pulling away. Fortunately for this mama, that move drove us closer together as a family unit. We only had each other for the first little bit. Even when the kids started making friends (and mom & dad, too) we still were connected as a solid family unit.

We're still a solid family unit, I hope that we always will be, but things have changed. The kids are pulling away (as they should be). I have less and less time with them each and every day. I treasure the little moments of undivided attention, the nightly meals filled with laughter (thank goodness for that). I am grateful for those little glimpses into their days and lives. They are fewer and fewer between.

I've managed to keep myself busy all of these years. Actively involved in PTOs and PTA, volunteering at the school. High school drops in terms of parent involvement. There are still opportunities, but nothing like what was required when they were younger. So what's a stay-at-home mom to do? What is my purpose exactly?

Do I get a job? Nope. I don't want to risk losing those few precious moments if I don't have to. My mother always encourages me to go back to school. I'm just not ready for that yet. I find myself searching for my own purpose.

At my church, we have opportunities to serve each other. Right now, I am tasked to work with the single people aged 31-45. I love it - but it doesn't require much of my time. So I'm expanding my role, and planning large Phoenix Valley Events and Conferences.

I have an amazing opportunity to work with the teens of my church, as they prepare for a once-in-a-lifetime Cultural Event celebrating the opening of our new LDS Temple in Gilbert, AZ. I get to work with my boys and their friends. I'm loving that.

So I am finding small things to do. Projects. Cleaning, organizing, labeling…

This whole experience happened once before, on a smaller scale, when my youngest went to 1st grade and I had to figure out what my purpose in life was without a little one to care for at home all day. I cried and cried to my husband that first weekend - but I quickly learned to appreciate, even enjoy my "ME" time. That will happen again.

I've realized that I do still have a voice. I just have to find it. I have to figure out what exactly it is that I want to say. What I need to say. Where I say it from.

I have come to one very important conclusion: It's not about leaving Chile that has rocked my world - my world was going to get rocked anyway, I just added an international move to the mix. Now it's time for me to find my way again.

Changed.

On September 11, 2011, tragedy struck the United States of America. Not the kind of tragedy that I ever expected inside the borders of this great nation. We look at tornadoes, hurricanes, wildfires, and feel devastated for those affected. But this? This was different. This was an attack. This rocked me to the core.

Up to this point, I was naive. I saw things happening around the world - terrible things - but never once did it cross my mind that we could experience the same things. Sadly, I would watch these things and think about how 'violent the news was' how 'depressing' it was to watch it. So I stopped watching.

What was that? Denial? If I turned it off, then it wasn't really happening, right?

September 11, 2011 changed me.

I pulled my baby out of his crib and plopped him, with his tousled blonde/white hair, right into the carseat as we headed off to drop my oldest off at his 1/2 day kindergarten class. I kissed his little face and off he ran. His backpack so big it wobbled from side-to-side as he darted to the playground.

It was a normal day.

Yet it wasn't.

Things were happening all over the country that I had no knowledge of. Terrorists passing through security. Sitting in seats, acting normal. Moms and dads, sons and daughters seated beside them chatting about their days, reading magazines, catching up on a few last minute emails before the planes took off.

That should have been my husband.

He was planning a business trip for that day that was canceled last minute.

I turned on the TV so my baby could watch "Blues Clues" when I saw it.

I sat in horror as I watched the smoke billow out of one of the towers. It must be a horrible accident. The plane must have malfunctioned. But really, in my gut, I knew. But how? Why?

This can't be happening.

I called my mom and we watched together as the 2nd plane hit. We were silent. Listening. I was nauseated. Tears were streaming down my face as we learned about the other plane that had crashed.

This can't be happening.

Alex curled up in my lap and put his sweet little hand up to my face to wipe away my tears. He was too little to understand what was happening, but not too little to know how to love his mommy when she needed it.

It was all I could do to not rush up to the school and bring my son home. I wanted him safe inside my home. Would schools be a target? How many more of these villains were out there?

An automated call came from the school district assuring us that the kids were safe and we did not need to collect them until the end of the scheduled day.

I felt a need to have him with me, but just as strongly a need for life to be normal.

I felt bonded as an American. I was praying with everyone across the nation. We were united in a single purpose and emotion. In our time of need, we turned to our Heavenly Father. I felt great peace in that. I felt great pride to be a part of such a large unified group.

I learned what it felt like to be on edge. Worrying about what might come around the corner.

We have a small airport in our neighborhood. Small planes fly low over the main street as they finish their decent and land on the runway. It's always been a source of wonderment and excitement. We love watching the planes. But shortly after 9/11, I would feel myself panic as planes flew low over my car.

I watched the news with a new set of eyes. A new heart.

I had more empathy for others who face these attacks every day.

I have more gratitude for the men and women who work to protect my family every single day.

Living overseas solidified my gratitude for living in this country. The United States of America is a blessed nation. The freedoms and rights that we take for granted are a blessing. The safety that we take for granted is not free. Someone - lots of someones - are sacrificing to keep us safe in this very moment. Soldiers, Politicians, Government Employees here and abroad. The families that support those individuals, making sacrifices for us. Willingly. They don't know me. They don't know my family. Yet they are willing to give everything they have to protect me.

I am forever grateful for their service.

I am forever grateful that I was born into this country and that the safety of my family is not a trial I must bear.

I pray for our great nation, especially during this time of reflection. I pray that we can all strive to be kinder and more patient with one another. That we will look at all we have with gratitude. That we can continue to turn to our Heavenly Father, not just in times of turmoil, but in times of peace.

I am grateful for the lessons I learned that day. Out of the ashes we rose a stronger nation. We are not divided in our desire to protect our families. We are one in our gratitude for those who risked their lives for us that day.

We must continue to understand that there are heroes protecting us even today. We must remember the gratitude and unity that we felt on 9/11/01 and let those emotions move us forward.

The events of September 11th, 2001 changed me. Did they change you?

Our NEW, OLD Life.

We're here. In the US again. Back in our old house. Back in our old lives.

Sort of...

We've changed.

Our home has changed.

Yet things are the same.

It's weird. Surreal even.

Regardless, this is our new chapter. With a new chapter comes a new blog.

It didn't feel right adding to the "Adventures in Chile" blog. That adventure has come to an end and new ones await us.

We begin our final year with our oldest son. As a senior in high school, he is preparing to start a huge new chapter in his life. We are leading and guiding him, but know the next few months bring lots of large decisions that he must make for himself. The direction that his life will take must be his decision. How exciting for him! I find such joy in watching him grow and decide. We are so proud of him and know that he will find success in anything that he does.

We see our baby blossoming. He's growing like a weed. Pants that fit him a little big the last week of June no longer will work. Not even close - and it's only like 7 weeks later! His voice is deep, his feet are huge, and his heart is still as big as ever! I love that he's transitioned into his 2nd new high school so easily.

I'm finding my way here. Learning patience with my home. I would love to run out and buy everything I want, but I really, really don't want to settle on just anything. So I must be patient. When something comes along that is perfect, I'll know it. Until then, we can do without.

Greg is happier here. His load has lessened. His commute is a fraction of what it was and he's home at a decent hour. He's had to travel most of the time we've been here, but promises that it will slow down. He's just trying to get caught up from our time abroad.

Scooter is thrilled to be home. He loves the big yard and doggie door. He's a happy old dog.

So yes. We are all happy, healthy, and adjusting to our newly remodeled, old home. It's new and improved but maintained all the charm it had that we fell in love with when we first walked in 13 years ago. I guess it's kind of like us. This experience has left us all a little "remodeled". We're essentially the same, but a little bit of us improved. We're all a little better. Wiser. Kinder. More Patient. A little less cluttered mentally, a lot more empathetic toward others, and much more grateful for what we have. We see the world through different eyes. It's a shiny new finish to our old selves. A new-and-improved version.

At least that's how this mama sees it! :)