Walking Beside Us

Change. Trust. Patience.

As we work with my oldest son to transition into the next phase of his life (graduation and college) I remember having similar feelings of uncertainty. I vividly remember wanting to achieve my dreams, but being terrified of taking the next step into the unknown. I had so many doubts, so many questions.

This child is an exact replica of me. My strengths are his strengths. His thinking process is my thinking process. His fears are my fears. It is strange looking at it from this perspective. I see him as he truly is. Confident. Strong. Courageous. Focused. Capable of achieving every goal he could ever have.

He isn't quite as confident in himself for the first time. I see his potential. I see who he can become. I see the struggle and fear and uncertainty and there is very little that I can do to eliminate that. I can be here to support him. I can show him the way. I can hold his hand. But he has to take the first step.

I think that little moments like this give us a teeny little glimpse into how our Father in Heaven feels toward us. He sees our full potential. He knows we are capable of accomplishing all of our goals. He has shown us the way, and will walk beside us - but we have to take that first step.

What a blessing it is to be a mother. To be gifted with the ability to lead and guide these spiritual beings throughout their lives. To be able to lift them up when they need it. To be the sounding board - or punching bag - when their lives become overwhelming.

How many times have we asked "God - Where were you?"when times were tough. When we thought we were alone and abandoned.

I realize that I am doing all that I can to help my son move ahead, but he doesn't always see that. He doesn't always look at my efforts with gratefulness. Sometimes this shocks me. I am doing every single thing that I can to support you and you don't even see that?

I think in those moments, when we ask "God - Where are you?" We need to understand that He IS there. He always will be. But in that moment, we just can not, or will not, recognize that.

After a hot shower, my beautiful young man, who is feeling lost in his changing world, comes to us and with a big hug apologizes. He now sees. We ARE on the same team. We will advocate for him until our last breath and then some. We would give all that we are and all that we have for his happiness.

Heavenly Father is there for us in that very same way. Always supporting, always teaching. Sometimes, we just can't see it. But that's ok. He still loves us anyway. He still helps us. He still supports us. He will never fail us.

And I will forever be there for my son. For all time and all eternity. Regardless. It's my job. I'm the mom.

Finding My Voice

It's time. Time for me to find my new place in this changing world of mine. I don't write, because I feel like I have lost my voice, or lost my place. It's hard to say.

Transitioning back was rough, but I think a big part of that difficulty stemmed from the change in my family.

You see, when we first moved to Chile, my boys were getting ready to start their Junior and Freshman years in High School. A time when a teenager naturally, and appropriately begins pulling away. Fortunately for this mama, that move drove us closer together as a family unit. We only had each other for the first little bit. Even when the kids started making friends (and mom & dad, too) we still were connected as a solid family unit.

We're still a solid family unit, I hope that we always will be, but things have changed. The kids are pulling away (as they should be). I have less and less time with them each and every day. I treasure the little moments of undivided attention, the nightly meals filled with laughter (thank goodness for that). I am grateful for those little glimpses into their days and lives. They are fewer and fewer between.

I've managed to keep myself busy all of these years. Actively involved in PTOs and PTA, volunteering at the school. High school drops in terms of parent involvement. There are still opportunities, but nothing like what was required when they were younger. So what's a stay-at-home mom to do? What is my purpose exactly?

Do I get a job? Nope. I don't want to risk losing those few precious moments if I don't have to. My mother always encourages me to go back to school. I'm just not ready for that yet. I find myself searching for my own purpose.

At my church, we have opportunities to serve each other. Right now, I am tasked to work with the single people aged 31-45. I love it - but it doesn't require much of my time. So I'm expanding my role, and planning large Phoenix Valley Events and Conferences.

I have an amazing opportunity to work with the teens of my church, as they prepare for a once-in-a-lifetime Cultural Event celebrating the opening of our new LDS Temple in Gilbert, AZ. I get to work with my boys and their friends. I'm loving that.

So I am finding small things to do. Projects. Cleaning, organizing, labeling…

This whole experience happened once before, on a smaller scale, when my youngest went to 1st grade and I had to figure out what my purpose in life was without a little one to care for at home all day. I cried and cried to my husband that first weekend - but I quickly learned to appreciate, even enjoy my "ME" time. That will happen again.

I've realized that I do still have a voice. I just have to find it. I have to figure out what exactly it is that I want to say. What I need to say. Where I say it from.

I have come to one very important conclusion: It's not about leaving Chile that has rocked my world - my world was going to get rocked anyway, I just added an international move to the mix. Now it's time for me to find my way again.